Presence

How can I stay healthy in winter?

2011-01-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

It seems like all my good habits go down the drain the second winter starts. I end up feeling lazy and overeating just because I’m bored. Do you have any tips for staying healthy in the blah months?

Ah, winter. First the days get shorter, then the holiday season sets a fast pace of shoveling treats into our mouths, and pretty soon we’re consuming twice as much while moving half as often. Here are a few realistic suggestions for fighting off the blah without going crazy.

Go easy on the cream. Dairy can provide some of the most desirable comfort foods around this time of year, but it can also weigh you down and zap your energy. A big hot chocolate from Starbucks clocks in at around 450 calories-- that’s a whole meal’s worth, all in one drink! Sometimes it’s definitely worth the splurge, but if you’re looking for a secret alternative, you could instead have all the hot tea you want (zilch calories if you take it unsweetened or with artificial sweetener, around 15 calories with a teaspoon of sugar) and a hefty chunk of good dark chocolate. There’s 180 calories in a whole bar of Hershey’s Special Dark, but it’s so rich that you may only need half that to get your chocolate fix. Plus, the warm liquid combines with the chocolate to still give you that melty-awesome-deliciousness, but without the stomachache to follow.
Don’t neglect your water bottle. Even when you’re nowhere near the sun, your body still gets thirsty. It’s important to push water through your system year-round—it helps you better judge your level of hunger, it helps ward off common winter sicknesses, and it occupies your hands and mouth so you’re less likely to succumb to boredom-binging. Keep a jug in the pocket of your backpack, take frequent pauses in front of water fountains, and take a shot of aqua first thing when you get home in the evening.
Make little substitutions. Instead of chugging 12 ounces of orange juice in the morning, have half a glass of OJ and a full glass of water. If you’re in no one’s way, walk up the escalator instead of lazing against the rail. Walk around the mall even when browsing Amazon is faster. These tiny sacrifices are barely noticeable throughout your day, but they can add up to have a big effect on how your belt fits come March.
Stop making breakfast your enemy. I know that it’s annoying to hear how important breakfast is when you’re the one having to get out the door every day at 6am. But the simple facts remain: those who eat breakfast are far more likely to be fit than those who don’t. Eating a morning meal helps your body wake up and starts your metabolism for the rest of the day. And above all, you simply CANNOT forgo breakfast in the hopes of “saving the calories for later” because it just doesn’t work that way. If you don’t have time for blueberry pancakes or fancy omelets before the sunrise, fill up a plastic baggy with raw almonds, granola and dried fruit, and throw it down on the bus with a carton of milk. So quit your whining and stop dreading the five-minute practice that’ll make you feel awesome, anyway!
Don’t turn into the Abominable Sweatpants Yeti. No, you don’t need to primp like you’re going to prom on the days when it’s a challenge just to get dressed, but you only do yourself harm if you let yourself completely hibernate. When we look frumpy, we feel frumpy. When we feel frumpy, we eat frumpy. Do something nice to your hair on Wednesdays, or wear one piece of jewelry no matter how you feel. Shove your legs into actual jeans more often than not. Don’t obsess about a beauty routine when you’re tired, but don’t treat yourself like you’re not hot!

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

How can I keep from coming off crazy?

2011-01-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

Every time a guy takes interest in me, I act crazy and push him away. Do you have any advice for me on how to get over my insecurities and how to stop trying to convince guys that I am insane?

It’s hard to explain, but that same "act crazy" reflex affects most girls at one time or another. We’re hopeful when someone takes interest in us, but instead of letting it play out on its own, we’re irrationally determined to test him or make her prove that she can handle our depth. It sounds really melodramatic and funny written out like that, but so many girls are guilty of doing it. Myself included!

So how do we resist the urge to spew crazysauce all over a date? When you get the feeling you’re about to unleash your evil twin, first go through this checklist.

Do you know this guy well enough to trust him with your insecurities yet? If you’ve only been talking for a week, hold off on detailing your worst recurring nightmare, telling him exactly how you felt when your grandma died, or listing all your bad habits. If he turns out to be a decent guy, swapping these kinds of secrets will be an intimate and cool experience later on. But if you’re still in the early stages (i.e. you know he has two sisters but don’t know their names), force yourself not to disclose too much. First of all, you need more time to determine if he’s trustworthy, and second of all, putting it all out there too soon is mega intimidating for boys.
If your date were to tell all her friends how you acted the first time the two of you went out, would you be more proud or horrified? Think of it this way. She could say that you acted nervous, but that you seemed really pleasant. Or she could say that you spent half an hour drilling her about her religious and political beliefs, like you were planning on marrying her that second. Try to see the date through someone else’s eyes. If you would see your behavior as insane coming from another person, think twice!
What week is it? It’s a super embarrassing subject, but a lot of women find that their emotions are greatly swayed by their menstrual cycles, so knowing that you’re more prone to sensitivity at a certain time can be a very useful tool. If you bite off a friend’s head for no reason one day, make a note on your calendar that says something discreet like “crazytown,” then avoid scheduling early-relationship dates around that point in the next month. If you can’t work around it, bite your tongue every time you feel insanity bubbling up to the surface and mentally tell yourself, “I’m just being a PMS monster.” Swallow it down and move on.
Would you want someone to judge you this harshly? If he mentions liking a movie you hate, who cares? If he casually mentions a past breakup, don’t prod for details. The getting-to-know-ya stage is hypersensitive, but try not to put everything he says under a microscope. I’m sure you’ve accidentally made stupid jokes or portrayed yourself in some falsely negative light before, so just remember that boys get nervous, too.
Is this how I want to be remembered? Rest assured, many a good relationship has stemmed from a really awkward first date. Still, when things work out, those early-on memories tend to be retold and immortalized to no end. You’ll be able to laugh six months down the road when you recall how you slipped on black ice on your way into the restaurant, or how he used to mispronounce your last name but you didn’t have the heart to tell him. Now ask yourself: Later on, will you be able to laugh about the way you went psycho on him about buying non-ecologically conscience water bottles before you even left his house? Will it be a cute story to recount to your grandkids if, in the car ride home, you make a chronological list of reasons why he shouldn’t like you?

You do not need to the portrait of composure all the time, and you absolutely should not put on some flashy façade until you’ve won him over, but still focus on flaunting your good, fun qualities in the first few weeks. If it works out, and if you two become familiar enough that you’re comfortable with each other, your less desirable qualities will come out over time, and he’ll most likely accept them. But try your hardest not to paint yourself as insane right off the bat, because you’re not crazy. You’re awesome, and other people will only come to realize that if you let them.***

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

Why don't my friends invite me?

2011-01-02T20:19:00.000-08:00

I love my friends. I've been close with them since middle school, and spending time with them really makes me happy. However, I'm starting to notice more and more that none of them invite me to get together. I would invite them to hang out, but I'm too afraid that the problem is that they don't like me anymore!

Have you ever gotten to a four-way stop at the same time as another car, decided to let them go first, and then found yourself wasting time because the other driver had adopted your same strategy? Neither car wanted to be rude by making the first move, but in turn, you were both stuck, awkwardly, in the same place.

Making plans with friends is kind of the same story. Oftentimes, we don’t ask people to do things with us because we’re worried we’ll be rejected, or we just want the satisfaction and self-esteem boost of having been asked first. Remember that everyone has felt this way at one time or another, including the friends who are leaving you out. There’s a good chance that one of them is waiting for you to dictate the weekend plans. If you both keep politely waiting at the stop sign, nobody’s going to get anywhere.

Another possibility is that, by trying not to seem hurt about having been ignored in the past, you’ve said or done something that suggests to your friends that you’re not interested in being invited, or like you have better things to do. Obviously, you shouldn’t sit around moping and making puppy-dog eyes at them if they go to a movie without you, but acting too indignant could just perpetuate the problem. If you overhear them discussing an event they went to, try saying something like, “Oh, I actually stayed home kind of bored on Saturday. I wish I’d have known that was going on.” Their response might explain why you were left out—maybe they went together because their parents know each other, or maybe they were seeing a band they didn’t realize you’d be interested in.

But if it turns out that your friends are keeping you uninformed about plans for different reasons, the best way to squash those hurt feelings is by finding something fun to do without them this time. If you see someone wearing a t-shirt for a show you like, strike up a conversation and maybe ask them to come over and watch it with you sometime. It might feel awkward and forced at first, but you never know who else is bored and looking for a new friend to spend time with. This doesn’t mean you need to block out your other friends—in fact, ignoring them or trying to make them jealous will only cause more issues and ensure that you feel even more left out than before—but meeting new people is a lot more fun than looking at Facebook pictures of parties you weren’t at.

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-26T18:16:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays, Presents! Due to one chocolate-induced upset stomach, a ton of Christmas craziness, and the work associated with ending my three-year collaborative video blog project, Five Awesome Girls, there won't be an advice article today. To make up for it, check back later this week for a supplementary post or two. Also, I've put a Presence-like post on my personal blog about falling victim to the types of marketing that make girls feel inadequate, if you'd like to check that out. I hope you're all doing well, and be sure to keep commenting with questions for next week!

Until then, be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

How can I get over a breakup?

2010-12-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

My serious boyfriend recently ended things between us, and even though it sounds cliché, I feel miserable. What can I do to get over it?

Ah, yes. Few people make it through life without having their hearts stomped on once or twice. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or overly dramatic for being sad. Dealing with breakups is complicated and it’s hard, no matter how cliché it seems. However, a common trend among first-timers is to fall into a depressive state for a month, and then slowly climb out of it… so here are a few tips for finding a healthier alternative to binge eating and sobbing into your hair.

How to Get Over a Breakup:

Many people will succumb to some sort of addiction to fill the empty space left behind by The Ex. Sometimes this is a good thing (exercising, reading, cooking organically, spending time with old friends). Sometimes this is a horrible thing (drinking, overeating, smoking, locking oneself in a bedroom like a hibernating bear). Aim for the good kinds.
Log out of facebook for a few days. Nobody needs that extra kick in the face that comes from someone in your gym class “liking” your changed relationship status. Quickly replace the cutesy profile pic of the two of you, and get out of there until the gossip subsides.
If you’re stuck listening to love songs at the grocery store or on TV, don’t allow yourself to associate them with The Ex. Instead, force yourself to dedicate them to your friends, your dog, your favorite movie. Remember that Usher and Alicia Keys song? Your cat could totally be the Boo in question.
As tempting as it sounds to go on a Godzilla rampage and burn everything The Ex ever gave you, take the de-relationshipizing process slowly. You don’t need to torture yourself by leaving The Ex’s sweatshirt on your desk chair forever, but don’t completely erase any trace of her. That will only make it hurt worse when you unexpectedly discover those loveydovey mementos later on.
Avoid Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” because it’s so catchy that you’ll start believing it.
Read other breakup horror stories, such as this one (which is perhaps more appropriate for older Presents, 16+).
Keep a journal. It’s therapeutic to rant once in a while, and with a journal, you don’t need to make perfect sense or worry about bringing other people down by complaining too much out loud.
As hard as it may be, make an effort to not talk bad about The Ex. You can whine about the situation itself, but be careful not to say things about them that you wouldn’t want people to say about you. No matter what The Ex did to you, you once saw a lot of good in them, and if that goodness ever leads to a future friendship, you’ll regret all the post-breakup trashtalk.
Don’t wear a burlap sack “because nobody’s looking at you anyway” and don’t go crazy with the hair and makeup “to show him what he’s missing.” Try to continue your regular routine, even if you need to ask a friend to keep you accountable for this. Set an alarm and wake up at the same time every day, and treat your body like it’s yours—take care of yourself for your own sake, and nobody else’s.
Find the time of day with the most sunshine, go outside, and breathe.***

How do I help a suicidal friend?

2010-12-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

My friend says he's going to kill himself, and he says that if I told my parents (which in turn told his) he would talk his parents out of it and it would just make him kill himself faster. What should I do? I know you're supposed to tell somebody, but that seems like it will do more harm than good at this point.

I am not a counselor, and my advice should not be taken as a substitute for professional help. That being said, many young people have experiences with threats of suicide, and there are a few rules everyone ought to know for dealing with such a risky situation.

First, when a person has reached the point where they believe they do not want to live, they often make irrational decisions. With delicate matters like this, even very good friends can become manipulative as a result of their sickness. No matter how your friend prefaces it, if someone confides in you that he is contemplating suicide, you have a duty to tell a parent, teacher, or counselor immediately.

If they tell you at school, you need to very privately inform an adult before the end of the day. If they tell you when you’re out together, online, or on the phone, you need to tell your parents or call a suicide help hotline. If you become aware of a suicide threat over a weekend or break, or if you don’t see or hear from the friend quickly after he confesses his suicidal thoughts, don’t wait for the "right" chance to tell someone. Do not try to handle it on your own or let it blow over. There is an extremely fine line between a threat and a reality.

When a threat grows to the point that you are scared for the immediate future, or you have reason to believe that your friend already has a real plan for taking his or her own life, you need to call the police. Dial 911 or your country's equivalent. If it is a real emergency, you need to treat it as such. Even if you have some doubt about the legitimacy of your friend’s plans, the possible awkwardness or loss of a friendship later on is nothing compared to the major risk at hand now.

Suicide is an incredibly scary and delicate issue. Think very carefully before telling one friend about the struggles of another, but do not hesitate to inform an adult of an emergency. It may not seem like it now, but by talking to you about his problem, your friend is trusting you enough to cry for help. You owe it to him to protect his life, even if it means sacrificing his loyalty later.***

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

Should I wear makeup?

2010-12-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

I'm fifteen and I’ve never worn makeup regularly, but I've recently started experimenting. My older cousin aspires to be a makeup artist and gives me a "makeover" at every family gathering, and I always just end up feeling more like a raccoon and less... you know... pretty. But deep down, I want to look pretty. Is it worth it?

Contrary to what we often hear, the thing to remember about makeup is that it isn’t a necessity, but it isn’t evil, either. Choosing to wear foundation every day doesn’t mean a woman is insecure or self-centered, and going bare doesn’t mean she’s homely or wasting her potential. The decision of how much to wear and when to wear it is totally up to you, and you should try your best not to let that decision be influenced by other people.

Wanting to look pretty isn’t shallow—it’s something every girl wants—but you are absolutely not required to line your eyes with Sharpie if it makes you feel like a raccoon. If you want to experiment with some more subtle ways to enhance your natural beauty, there are a lot of sources online with good skin care tips, which could help you feel more confident now, and also prevent you from needing more makeup in the future. You can even make it more fun by calling a company like Mary Kay and hosting a party for your friends where you can pick up some practical tips that might suit your personal style better than your cousin’s dramatic makeovers.

But for those with more of a flare for the dramatic, makeup can be really fun to play with, and there should be no shame in trying out different things! YouTuber Michelle Phan makes video tutorials a couple times a month that show how to create a ton of different looks, from light makeup for special occasions, to full-out costumes. Maybe you aren’t going to a prom every weekend, but it might be helpful to watch professional beauty gurus online just to see what kinds of products they use or how they hold brushes, to provide some background for your future makeup ventures. And if that doesn’t end up being your thing, Michelle also provides recipes for using ingredients in your own kitchen to mix up homemade facial masks and remedies!

Keep in mind that makeup is only one possible tool, and that there are lots of other ways to look and feel pretty. Make sure your body and clothes are clean, eat healthy foods more often than you eat treats, and remind yourself on a daily basis that you have some seriously awesome qualities. Nobody is more attractive than the girl with presence.***

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

What if I don't like my friends?

2010-11-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

I don't enjoy spending time with my group of friends from school. I have felt this way all throughout high school, but the situation has only worsened since the beginning of this year. They are so disconnected from me now and they have all these inside jokes, and I have nothing to contribute to the conversation when I do hang out with them. What should I do?

I’m sure you’ve heard it before: “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” Well, guess what? It’s actually really common to feel like that expression is a load of crap.

Have you ever had a friendship that was based around one common interest, but then as the interest faded, so did your conversations? We all have. The problem is, there isn’t enough time between homework and other activities to constantly reevaluate relationships, and school environments aren’t big enough seas from which to catch a million different fish. It can be easier to hang with the comfortable people you secretly hate than it is to eat lunch alone. Because of this, a lot of people stick with whichever friends came along first, whether or not they continue to be the best choices later on. When you spend more time at school than you do at home, friend groups can often start feeling like that family you didn’t pick.

So how do you weather the transition from one social group to another? How do you start picking new friends when everyone’s already divided into other “families”?

First, keep in mind that growing apart from friends is something almost everyone experiences, especially as teenagers, so it’s likely that the strangers you assume to be super secure might also be searching for new friends. Don’t be too afraid to approach someone who seems cool just because they look like they have enough friends already. And on the other side, try not to write off people who are friendly to you based on what you’ve heard about them, or what you know about them from a year or two ago. You’re not the same person you were in fifth grade, and they probably aren’t, either. Try to force yourself to turn off those flashing preconceived notions. Talk to someone on the dance team even if your band friends aren’t really “supposed to,” or smile at the guy everyone’s labeled as weird. You never know who else is lonely, and you never know who else is awesome.

However, breaking away from your current group probably won’t be painless. It really, really sucks to feel like you’re being deserted, or like someone thinks they’re suddenly too good for you. Even if you don’t feel at home with your friends anymore, you need to be careful not set fire to their feelings on your way out. Try to add a new friend or two to your hangout schedule gradually, rather than obviously moving from one group to another over the course of a day. Also, be honest—but gentle-- with your old friends. If one asks why you aren’t around as much anymore, tell them you’re getting to know some people with your other interests, or trying to expand your circle. Resist the urge to ignore their calls cold turkey, and don’t pass the word of your resignation through other people. Try to realize that it hurts to watch a friend move on, but that you shouldn’t spend time with people who don’t make you happy just because it’s comfortable.

Also, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with branching out beyond your school. We all need an escape from the day-to-day, so why not call that girl from church, or stop and talk to that guy down the street, or message another reader from your favorite blog? Sometimes it feels like school is life, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.

Basically, everyone’s in the same boat as far as growing apart is concerned. The best you can do is be open-minded to the possibility of meeting new people, and aim to understand where your friends are coming from if they start to change in a different direction from you. Don’t continue to tag along if your group is morphing into something you don’t like, because tagging along is not the only option. It’s hard to break away, but it’s lame to miss out on new experiences. ***

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence!

8 Things You Don't Have to Be

2010-11-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

In a continued effort to avoid falling victim to the Cosmopocalypse, Presence presents a few examples of how to stay a real person in a world of ridiculous expectations.

Eight Things You Don’t Have to Be:

A vixen. It’s okay to leave private, personal things private and personal. If someone cares about you and respects you, they won’t require that you’ve memorized pages of tips on all matters “sultry” and “sensual.”
A master of disguise. You have acne scars? So does Brad Pitt. Big hips? Beyonce. No boobs? Kate Hudson. Everyone has some insecurity, but guess what—It’s actually okay to not obsess over it.
Self-centered. It’s a good thing to take care of your physical and emotional needs, and to treat yourself from time to time. But what magazines often neglect to mention is that solo pedicures are usually less fulfilling than doing something nice for a friend.
Perfectly put together. Believe it or not, most boys couldn’t care less about your lipgloss. Also, it’s okay to wear a pair of jeans more than once before washing them, and it’s okay to occasionally carry a brown purse while wearing a black belt.
On the prowl. It’s also okay to be single. And have other things on your mind, besides just how to reel in a guy. You don’t need to be dating anyone to feel fulfilled, and you don’t need to act like you’re already fulfilled to attract someone, either. In real life, people often meet their significant others when they least expect it, and more often than not, it isn’t forced.
Interested in the lives of celebrities. It’s fine if you think Zac Efron is smokin’ or Emma Watson shouldn’t have cut her hair, but it’s also fine to have more in your head than Tori Spelling’s IMDB bio.
A Stepford wife. You don’t have to suppress all emotion, cook perfect dinners, and still maintain your beauty and mystique to be a good girlfriend. You know what kind of girl most guys like? The human kind.
Perfect. ***

Another advice post will be up on Sunday! Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence.

Is it normal to have never been kissed in high school?

2010-11-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

Question: I'm a junior in high school. And I have yet to be kissed. Or do anything further than that. I know I'm still young and everything, but it's honestly so embarrassing to tell people. Is this normal, the whole never been kissed situation?

It’s funny—feeling different from the rest of the world is something almost everybody has worried about at one time or another. And for a ton of us, that one time has to do with first kisses.

Remember kindergarten, when one kid lost a baby tooth and it was the event of the day? Remember fifth grade, when suddenly certain girls had the outline of bra straps visible on their backs, and others didn’t? Remember seventh grade, after Health class, when you found yourself guiltily wondering who’d started her period and who hadn’t? Now fast forward to the present. Those seem like such ridiculous things to be concerned about! You understand now that everybody grows at a different pace, and nobody’s any more normal or any less awkward than anyone else. It sounds like a weird connection, but first kisses are pretty much the same deal.

One big difference between this and losing baby teeth, though, is that high school is divided into separate social groups, and people often lose that childhood sense that everyone’s growing up together, and end up feeling more alone and alienated in their problems. Maybe your friends had their first kisses years ago, maybe some of them have moved far beyond that, or maybe some of them don’t disclose details of their relationships and could be in either boat. No matter what the scenario, it makes sense that you feel left out or different or behind. It’s easy to delude yourself into thinking that all the interesting and attractive people are receiving that kind of attention, and that there must be something wrong with you if you aren’t. But you need to understand: that is simply not the case.

Just as you probably feel like a late bloomer in the kissing department, tons of girls regret their first kisses because they weren’t ready, it felt anticlimactic, or they did it for the wrong reason. And on the other hand, many people don’t even remember their first kiss because, to them, it didn’t feel like a big deal. On top of that, it’s way, way more common than you think to graduate high school without being kissed, and to go on to have perfectly normal and healthy relationships later. It’s a different experience for everybody.

It might seem like the whole school’s business whether so-and-so made out with what’s-his-face, and you might feel like the only one of your friends who’s never been physical with a guy. But, just as I’m sure you don’t have the faintest interest in what color anybody’s bra was today, I guarantee that soon enough, you’ll at least be able to eliminate social pressure from the list of reasons why your lack of first kiss bothers you. And if it’s more of an internal battle—if you (justifiably!) want someone to kiss because you want to feel chosen and desirable—think of how much cooler it’ll be to have that special moment at a time in your life when it’s a private matter that doesn’t concern your whole lunch table. Maybe it’ll be an ultra-romantic event with somebody grateful to have such a memorable part of your life. Or hey, maybe it will be a funny, casual college story that you can laugh about later. No matter when or how it happens, though, just realize that you’re not a freak, this isn’t going to greatly inhibit your future dating life, and you should not feel embarrassed about something that is your business, and no one else’s. ***

While I can only address one question a week, keep in mind that every comment is read and considered, and an answer to your question might pop up at any time. If you’re seeking advice, leave your topic suggestion on this post. Also, if you have anything to add (agreeing or disagreeing with my advice!) or personal stories to share with the writer of today’s question, I encourage you to leave a comment. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence.

Welcome to Presence!

2010-11-16T12:04:00.001-08:00

One day last summer, I threw up. And that's when I got the idea for this blog.

I had a flu bug, and I was reading Cosmopolitan to keep my mind off the acidic paintball fight raging inside my stomach. I tried to hold back the impulse to cleanse my guts, but I knew the end was nigh. And sure enough, as I turned a page to learn more ways to "BLOW HIS MIND!", it all came tumbling out. Maybe it was the English major inside me, or maybe I just had a fever, but I concluded that these events must have been symbolically related. Cosmo was making me-- literally-- sick.

And it makes sense! Even as a relatively level-headed person, the flashy covers of women's magazines like Cosmo are designed to draw me in. From the seemingly perfect celebrities staring you in the face with their mouths dangling open, to the headlines claiming to have solutions to all the world's unanswerable problems, to the big bold tantalizing words that sort of make you feel like you're getting away with something just for reading them. It's all simultaneously inviting and intimating, and somehow tailored to make even smart girls feel like they're lacking some secret knowledge that can only be discovered between its pages. Cosmo and its counterparts strategically manipulate girls into thinking they need something more. That's how they keep snaring in old and new customers alike. And what's funny is that, while the content is supposedly aimed at women in their twenties, a significant portion of Cosmopolitan readers are middle school and high school students. Their business thrives off making girls feel inadequate.

All these thoughts rushed through my head while my lunch rushed through my throat. Why is it that we're more interested in targeting our physical insecurities than we are in becoming better people? Or... is that even true? Sex tips and superficial dating advice sell, but that can't be all teenagers and young women want out of life. Why is there no readily available alternative?

That's where Presence comes in. Or at least, that's the goal. I want to create an environment where real people can ask questions about real life, and receive responses from someone who's more concerned about their well-being than trying to get their money. I want girls to have a place where they can help each other out, or feel safe to ask about awkward topics, or not be self-conscious about their weight or the shape of their eyebrows all the time. Presence isn't totally the Anti-Cosmo, but it's... Something Else. A healthier option. A weapon against the Cosmopocalypse.

So how does this blog work? Every Sunday, there will be a new post either addressing a popular magazine topic from a better point of view, or answering an advice question submitted by a reader. A few times a month, there will also be posts to recommend books, movies, music or things to check out online. If you'd like to ask a question to be considered for a Sunday article, you can submit it as a comment on the most recent blog post (there's an option to comment anonymously, if you feel uncomfortable), or contact me using the links in the About the Author tab. If you have any other questions about how this whole thing will work, or just have something to say, feel free to comment on this post as well.***

I'm really looking forward to trying this out with you. Be good to each other, be good to yourself, and be a presence.